What living with a (rapid cycling) bipolar disorder feels like…

living with a rapid cycling bipolar disorder is…

… waking up in the morning and feeling on top of the world, then a minuscule event happens, like a bad feedback on your work or a message you sent that is being ignored, and your world falls apart – all the happy feelings disappear and a heavy feeling of sadness and emptiness takes over and causes you to feel terrible for the rest of the day

…going from loving every aspect of your life to hating everything about it

…pushing everyone away to being everyone’s best friend and lover

…loving to be around people and being inspired by them to being disappointed in humanity and never wanting to have social interaction again

…being extremely productive and working on 10 projects at the same time, to feeling absolutely useless and demotivated to finish or start projects – you end up doing nothing and then feel indescribably​ bad about it

…loving every piece of yourself and being super confident to hating every part of your body, mind and soul

…finding joy in the littlest things and being fascinated by them, to being extremely bored of simplicity and constantly craving for action, adventures​ and risks

…so, wanting a simple life, but dying to live extraordinarily

…being minimalistic as hell, but getting overly excited when buying new materialistic things

…being really independent and doing everything by yourself, without asking others for help, to being very dependent on other people and heavily rely on them for your happiness

…wanting to be in love and to give yourself completely to another person because you’re so lonely, but wanting to be forever single because it’s so much easier and you love being alone

…having so many plans and dreams but not having the energy and motivation to pursue them – although on good days you enthusiastically​ start, but when a bad mood hits you, you are unable to finish what you started

…taking well care of yourself, eating healthy and dress properly or eating too much or too little, craving bad food and don’t care about your appearance

…saving up lots of money and then spending it all at once because you don’t care​ about its value anymore

…hiding​ away from the world and its people and then complaining why you have so little friends that care about you and the fact that you don’t do lots of fun activities

…being so extremely grateful for life itself and then one minute later you want to die

…obsessively​ checking your phone but ignoring all the messages that are coming in

…loving every artwork you’ve made to wanting to destroy
everything, because none of it is good enough

…having so much energy, you’re jumping and dancing around, but then you collapse and even breathing is tiring

…covering yourself in a fully black (gothic) outfit, then looking like a white dressed virgin the next day

…listening to the same song for a hundred times and then deleting it completely from your music library because you hate it

…reading a book a day or reading one page and taking a year to finish the book

…wanting to have a great career but not wanting to work at all, because you hate the system

…loving the people that don’t care about you and pushing the ones away that do

…wanting to wander forever, explore new places and destinations but craving for a place to call home

…crying over every lover that hurt you in the past to feeling better than all of them

…wanting stability but being frightened of routine

…craving for change but being extremely afraid of it

…writing 4 pages in a day or 2 words in a week

…writing 15 songs a week or not writing any for a month

…being proud of yourself for how far you’ve come to feeling miserable for not doing and achieving enough

…being in love with your own reflection to wishing you were someone else

…being very mindful and breathing calmly to being super anxious, while hyperventilating

…being extraordinarily empathetic​​ and compassionate to feeling nothing at all – being selfish, cold and numb

…going from being the happiest, most energetic, positive, funniest girl one could ever meet to being the most pessimistic​, demotivated and exhausted person around

…having faith and being very spiritual to having an extremely​ nihilistic view on life

…craving for touch, but not wanting people to touch you

…crying over the smallest things and then laughing at yourself because of what you just cried about

…being in panic mode, experiencing stress and anxiety to not caring about anything or anyone

…feeding your own ego but destroying it at the same time

…making lots of plans, but canceling​ all of them because of a mood swing

…being an old soul and acting super mature to behaving like a little child

…being the summer and the winter at once

…a constant battle between different versions of yourself

…so fucking exhausting

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