My meds are gone and my true feelings are back. I feel more intensely again. I do love more deeply than I did, but I also hurt deeper than I used to. It comes with waves, it starts in the morning, but it doesn’t end in the night, like it did. In my dreams all the feelings grow stronger, my body turns colder and my thoughts start to wander.
I don’t know what’s real and what is not. All of the feelings overwhelm me, but the next minute they all completely leave me. I’m cold as stone before I’m filled up with warmth, I cling to people and places, but the next thing I know is that I’ve turned my back to go.
I’m holding on, but I’m letting go, all at once, I can’t hang on. Up and down, down and up I go, misery turns to excitement, sometimes fast, sometimes slow. I am rushing, I am running or I can’t move forward at all. It’s either too busy in my mind or there’s no thought at all. I feel it, I feel it, until I’m completely numb. I keep running in circles, don’t know where I belong. I feel lonely and sad, but I’m happy with where I am. I am happy being me, but I hate the way I feel.
I don’t have control, only the illusion of it. It’s scary and it’s crazy, that mostly I’m not even aware of it. It’s a life, living on its own, it’s my mind, my twisted mind. I am locked up inside, a prisoner in my own body. Without any control, my mind takes me, to darkness, to places, to light and all those faces, keep haunting me, consuming me. I’m scared, I’m scared of myself. Of the power of my brain, the intensifying of my emotions. I feel sick of feeling so much. While at other times the numbness kills me, distances me, breaks me.
It’s all or nothing.