This was not a good idea. Singing, writing, recording and listening back to some old songs. Too much feelings, too much emotions caught in fragile melodies and honest words. Some songs were buried, among with their memories of people, used to be’s and old feelings. Listening back takes me back, to that exact time and place. Makes me miss the person I was, or I was with. It hurts, in every part of my body, every bone and every vain. I get sentimental, I get blue and I get lost inside a memory. Oh my, all those rose-coloured memories of deep dark times. Get me out of this dream, I feel like I’m drowning again.
Do you ever have these moments where every single hurtful moment from the past gets back to you? Haunts you and paralyses you, attacks and overwhelms you? All at the same time, it all comes back, in flashes, in flashbacks, in images, in sounds… It’s all so vivid and real, like it’s happening right now. I can smell, I can feel, I can touch, I can hear, but it’s in my mind. I wouldn’t know if I wasn’t rational, because it feels so surreal. I close my eyes and I can’t help but think back, I experience, I feel it all again. The taste, the smell, the sound, the feels. I hear the voices, the shapes and colours meet my eyes. I don’t want to remember, because I want to go back to some moments so bad, but I can’t. Now I close my eyes and I see only black. Is it better this way? Not remembering anything, focusing on the present, getting lost in my breath? Is it better not to think, to memorise, to recall or to remember? Should I not reminisce and just live in and love the present, just the way it is?
I want to go back, but I can’t, and it’s killing me inside. I’m dying to experience again, to create the same situation just one more time. I miss the people, the places and feelings I can’t go back to. At nights like this, I feel it. Everything at once. Intense and deeply, short and swiftly. I’m a sentimental being, and I guess I will always be. But sometimes it’s better not to feel, but I don’t know how to.