It’s funny how my body can’t distinguish anxiety from excitement. There’s only a fine line between the two, at least according to my body. In both cases I get really nervous, for no particular reason – at least, most of the time there is none – and I feel restless as hell. My hands and knees are close to shaking, my neck is holding tension and my breathing is not holding on to a particular rhythm. Sometimes I find myself not breathing at all. I think that even my heart is skipping a few beats at times. I can’t focus, I am everywhere, yet nowhere. I’m in the present, but I’m overthinking how to be present. How am I present, how do I experience my own presence and the presence of every thing and every one that is around me?
I’m jumping in my head, from one thing to another. I start a project, then I switch to a new activity in a few seconds. There’s so much I want to do, so many ideas that are gathering in my head, but I feel like there is no (right) time to perform them, to work on them. I start, but I don’t finish, and I feel bad for only trying. I lose interest in a minute and then suddenly it loses all its value. Then I get excited again, because of something in my head, but I don’t know how to articulate.
My eyes are searching, but they can’t find a safe place to land. It’s a strange feeling, I can hardly describe. But I’m okay overall, better than I’ve been. It’s just that there are questions in my mind and wounds in my soul. There are emotions I can’t put my finger on and feelings I cannot name.
Maybe I’m transcending, maybe I’m altering, entering a different reality. I’m not sure if this is good or bad, if I’m going crazy, or I’m just staying sane this way. I wish I had answers for the questions in my head, I wish I had explanations for the way that I’m feeling. But it might be something out of my reach. At least, for now…