On nights like this I can’t help but feeling so goddamn lonely. At least the full moon is here to keep me company… That’s a nice thought, for sure. But it does not really change the way I feel. It’s not that I don’t enjoy being on my own, I love being alone actually. But only when I’m busy. Busy writing, singing, reading, learning or creating. Whenever I’m alone with my thoughts I break down. Every time again. I worry and I get anxious, I overthink and I overreact. I can’t tame my thoughts, my emotions or my feelings. They seem to have a life of their own. And they attack me, fool me, play with me and choke me. I want stillness, but I don’t know what that’s like.
I haven’t been great lately, but I can’t quite tell what’s wrong. Something’s off, but that ‘something’ is unknown. I even forgot to take my medication yesterday night, that might explain why I feel the way I feel today. But still, I have been down again. Unable to find motivation, to catch inspiration or to receive energy from inside or out. My body’s aching, my hands are shaking and my thoughts are racing. I’m tired all the time, of walking, of sleeping, of thinking, of dreaming. My nightmares are bad, they get me crying in the morning. I wake up feeling heavy-hearted and it does not change during the day.
I’m anxious and I’m sad. I’ve been distant towards my family and friends. But I can’t quite explain why. Social interaction is exhausting me and sometimes it even scares me. The world outside sometimes seems so frightening. The slightest things get me insane. My energy is drained, my senses are overstimulated. It’s all too much, whereas meanwhile I keep looking for new stimuli, new experiences, new ideas and new ways of life. I don’t know what I need now. All I know is that I’ve been on my own for way too long.
And besides all of that, I’m in love with a fantasy, something and someone that might not ever be. But it keeps me grounded, it keeps me high, it keeps me dreaming, he makes everything alright, even without doing a thing.