Perhaps the reason I am mentally and physically exhausted is because I’m afraid of wasting and losing time. There are so so so many things I want to do, too many ideas in my mind I want to work on, a lot of emotions I want to express and so many different goals I want to achieve. I want to do everything at once, but at the same time I feel like I’m doing nothing at all. I don’t know where to begin, where to start and I feel like I’m falling behind. I buy the books, but I only read a few chapters. I write the song, but I’m not finishing it. It stacks up and the walls are getting taller, the distance is getting bigger. Everything is building itself up, brick by brick, slowly but fast, and it takes a lot of time to take it all down. How to finish, how to start and how to finish what I started? On a spare day I’m making lists and do the tasks. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. But I must say I don’t procastinate a lot, I swear I don’t. It’s just a feeling, and not a pleasant one at all.
And I know this is not the way I should be thinking. I have achieved a lot of big and smaller things. I know, I know. I should stop comparing myself to other selves. But a part inside of me, just isn’t able to let it go. I’m being harsh on myself, it’s because of my perfectionism. I want it to be perfect, I want everything to be perfect. But this will never be. It’s all illusions and dreams. Someone, please, get me out of this bubble…
The truth is, the world is so full of opportunities. So many opportunities. The road is endless, the stream is constantly flowing. Everything is new and bright and right in front of me. I am able to do everything I want, but I have no idea how. I love it all, I want it all but I’m limited. In time, in energy, in a lot of things. My body is weak, although my mind is striving and my heart is passionate. My bones are holding me back, my breath is slowing me down. There are too many ties that bind me. I need to accept the fact that I am human. I’m weaker and more tired than I wish I was. My legs won’t run, when my thoughts are already running. I can’t keep up. I can’t keep up.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m in bad health. I might be and it scares me. But I know for sure thinking makes me tired, it exhausts me. I am certain that it’s a huge factor in me feeling worn out all the time. I wonder if this will ever change, because I’ve always been like this. Too much on my mind, every day, every night. Tossing, turning, waking up in the middle of the night.
But yet, I must admit I am calmer now. Being mindful is the magical key. But there will always be this girl inside of me craving for more. She will never be fully satisfied, because she’s seen it all with her own eyes, and she knows what she’s missing.