Mental Update

I took my pills, somewhat earlier this evening than I was meant to. I don’t want you to see me like this. I want you to keep that image of me, you had before you started to know me too well. It scares you away, I know. It scares me away too.

People talk to me, ask me for advice, expecting things from me. I want to help them, I am able to help them and make them feel better. But who keeps me from drowning? But I don’t blame them, they are ignorant and all because of me. I never let anybody in, it’s easier this way. Everytime I open up, I’m forced to break.

Tomorrow I’m seeing my psychiatrist again, finally after a few long heavy months. Even she isn’t able to help me, at least for a long period of time. I think she will raise my medication again, will it ever stop?

I drank a lot of alcohol this week, I never drink that much. I’m afraid of addiction, I can feel I’m prone to that. The thing is, I’ve been always that strong. I never looked for an escape in alcohol or drug use, partly because I was too anxious of losing my mind and partly because I know I’d screw up my health.

People leave and people go, some even without saying goodbye. Voices whispering in the back of my mind. Should I let them leave or beg them to stay? A part of me knows I can’t control these things, although I’m dying to.

I have a lot of secrets I don’t want to share. A lot of things I can’t explain. I don’t want to talk about it and I know most people don’t even care. So why bother?

I wish I could say I feel better, I feel fine, but I can’t. Everything feels out of place and I can’t seem to find my place in this world. I should let go of the need of having control, but I can’t. I just can’t. And I’m not going to lie when you ask me how I’ve been. I’ve not been good. Will it change soon? Hopefully. Will I ever be fully happy? I don’t think so.



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