I feel like I’m more than one person, but not in a schizophrenic kind of way. I am just constantly switching between two versions of myself. One version of me is light. She loves life, she’s spontaneous and assertive, open-minded and hopeful. She believes in herself, recognizes her talents and loves the people that are a part of her life. The other version of me is dark. She’s not necessarily sad, but she’s mostly numb. Unmotivated to do even the simplest daily tasks and unable to see the good in the bad. She’s afraid of life itself. She has an nihilistic view on reality, and doesn’t see the point in trying and striving. In her point of view life seems pointless, love is fake and people are selfish.
But those two versions are actually scattered, they’re not two seperate entities. They flow and blend, play hide and seek, and they are unpredictable. I am unpredictable. Not only to others, but mostly to myself. I feel like I am not in control. Maybe even the thought of having control is an illusion after all.
Some days are worse than others. I can feel it as soon as I wake up. The moment I open my eyes I feel which emotions have the upperhand. They determine the colour of my day. At my darkest days I try to re-paint the walls, from dark to bright, but often my light colour paint isn’t strong enough to cover up the black.
It’s an autonomous phenomenon. It’s a wild, scary thing. It gets under my skin, flows in my blood and becomes the air I breathe. One moment I am everything, the other I’m nothing. I live in extremes, in black and white, in sadness and madness, in dark and in light. I don’t know what it is to feel okay, to feel normal, to have a neutral state of mind. I’m happy or I’m sad, feeling numb or everything at once.
I always thought this was normal. The way the human mind works. But then I got diagnosed with a cyclothymic disorder, which explained a lot. It’s a form of bipolarity which causes extreme moodswings, that are unexplainable, doing their own thing.
The thing that scares me the most, is how it impacts the people around me. Relationships are the most difficult things for me to deal with. I can grow cold, out of the blue. Don’t ask me how or why, because I am not able to answer those questions. I can love you today, and don’t feel anything tomorrow. And this is nothing personal and has no logical cause or reason. It just happens, and I wish I knew why.
I just want to say I’m sorry to all of those I’ve hurt. I never meant to.